Many of the ways in which humans communicate can cause harm. We can be critical, judgmental, defensive, blaming, and attacking. And while this might not be our intention, we tend to be overly focused on our desires at the expense of others’ wants and needs. The good news is, we’re able to shift this focus, leaning into our natural proclivity for empathy and learning how to communicate in more productive and effective ways.
Non-violent communication is a process of communication developed by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, a psychologist by training. Rosenberg notes that non-violent communication is a “language of compassion,” differentiating it from the encounters we often have that are more judgmental or even aggressive. Rosenberg goes on to say that non-violent communication is “an ongoing reminder to keep our attention focused on a place where we are more likely to get what we are seeking” (Rosenberg & Chopra, 2015). And this makes sense; we’re more likely to get what we want in our interpersonal interactions when we approach others with empathy and understanding.
According to Rosenberg, there are four steps and two parts to non-violent communication, each piece driven by compassion:
1. Observation: Non-violent communication highlights the importance of observing without judgment. Saying to your partner, “You never clean up after yourself” can be experienced as critical and judgmental. Saying instead, “Hey, you left your mug in the sink” is an observation. With this part of non-violent communication, we focus on communicating only information we can take in through our senses, minus any value judgments, comments about how something “always” or “never” happens, etc. Doing so can help prevent others from becoming defensive.
2. Feelings: In non-violent communication, we practice identifying and articulating our emotions in a healthy way. This might sound like, “When you looked away while we were talking, I felt scared and frustrated.” The other person might respond, “It’s hard for me to hear you say that because I want you to feel okay in our exchanges” or “Is it hard when I look away because you’re worried I’m going to leave?” instead of responding defensively (e.g., taking it personally or fighting back by criticizing the other person). The goal here is recognizing our own feelings and being open to hearing about others’.
3. Needs: Non-violent communication explores the connection between feelings and unmet needs. The emotions we experience often communicate needs for safety, connection, autonomy, etc. The goal here is figure out what we need. Is it more understanding? Reassurance? Respect? Agency? Doing this type of exploration will set us up to take the next step more effectively.
4. Requests: The fourth part of non-violent communication involves making requests. Here, we make specific, positive (what we want, not what we don’t want) requests of the other person. It’s important that we’re requesting, not demanding. We might start a request with the words, “Would you be willing to. . . ?” People receive these kinds of requests more positively than those that are issued like demands.
As noted above, non-violent communication consists of two parts, which can be referred to as the “expressing” and “receiving” parts. With this way of interacting, we make a commitment to expressing ourselves using the four steps above. We also make a commitment to “receiving empathically” when others are exploring these steps with us. Listening is just as important -if not more so – than speaking, which can be contrary to our inclinations. With non-violent communication, we are particularly attuned to hearing the observations, feelings, and requests of others, and we aim to do so without defensiveness, judgments, or blame. Thus, our willingness to hear others, versus just speak at them, is critical.
As a practice specializing in DBT, we like how non-violent communication maps onto the Interpersonal Effectiveness skills we teach. For those familiar with DBT, you may even recognize the components in a popular skill, DEAR MAN, which helps folks make requests of or set boundaries with others. As a practice, non-violent communication can be used effectively in romantic relationships, families, schools, businesses, and organizations. It is particularly helpful when trying to resolve conflicts and disputes, such as those that might develop among family members or coworkers. A similar communication process is often used to guide couples therapy interventions. Non-violent communication provides an effective pathway to improve our communications in various ways, with its heart and soul rooted in compassion and understanding.