A Case of No Contact
Yvette’s daughter, Gabriela, used to call her non-stop. Recently, Yvette sensed her daughter pulling away. When she brought this up with Gabriela, her daughter pushed back, sharing that she had been processing some hurtful things that Yvette had said and done over the years. Yvette was taken by surprise. What could she possibly have done that was that bad? Sure, she’d said some hurtful things, but so had Yvette. In no way did she think her actions could justify Gabriela going no-contact, and yet, that’s what seemed to be happening. All Yvette knew was that she missed her daughter and that she never would have treated her parents the way Yvette was treating her.
When Your Adult Child Goes No-Contact
As mental health providers, we often support our clients in establishing safe and supportive boundaries in their interpersonal relationships. Occasionally, this translates to examining the pros and cons of ongoing contact with a parent and, at times, reducing or eliminating contact, whether it be permanently or for a period of time.
While we understand that being on the other side of this decision can be incredibly frustrating and hurtful, we continue to support our clients in doing what is important for their mental health and well-being. But, we want to highlight that this certainly doesn’t negate your pain. As providers who have supported both adult children and parents through this process, we wanted to offer a few things to keep in mind as you navigate through this difficult time.
1. Acceptance is key. While family relationships have been strained over generations, openly cutting off contact is more of a widespread phenomenon now due to expanding definitons of abuse, a prioritization of mental health, and the social media normalization of going no-contact. You might find yourself thinking, “No matter how bad things were with my family, I would never have severed contact with them” or something similar. This is understandable. Yet, times are different now, with younger generations feeling more supported and free to protect themselves from what they experience as harm. Adult children don’t make these decisions lightly. As a parent, it’s normal to be upset by such boundaries, but it’s important to acknowledge that they’re there. Fighting or resisting them might feel like the natural or right thing to do but ultimately won’t help.
2. Acknowledge your pain. While your adult child who has gone no-contact won’t offer you support, it’s important to acknowledge your own distress. Simply stated, this is painful. It likely brings up prior wounds, as well as hurt and anger for all that you’ve provided in this relationship. Why don’t they appreciate that? Where is the respect? How could they be doing this? These are common reactions to boundaries in close relationships. If available, it can help to talk through some of your reactions – without insulting your loved one – with close friends, family, or a therapist. Finding empathy and support is critical.
3. Focus on your goal. Before taking any action, decide what you want. Maybe you’re so hurt and angry at your child that you don’t even want to speak to them. This is a completely valid response. Maybe all you want is to resume contact and be back in each other’s lives. This, too, is a completely valid response, leading to a different set of actions. Figuring out your goal informs your next steps.
4. Take action. If you’re hurt and need your own space, there’s likely no outward action to take at this juncture. Take the space that your grown child is giving you. Use it to process your emotions and nurture yourself. If, on the other hand, you’re intent on repairing the relationship, consider what might be the best approach. Maybe it’s respecting the boundary for the time being. Maybe it’s reflecting non-defensively on what led your child to take this space and exploring what you might be able to do differently moving forward. Again, this doesn’t require you to like or agree with their decision; it just means that you’re accepting that they made it and willing to move forward within the confines of this reality.
5. Be patient. This might be the hardest part, as many of us want to resolve things as quickly as possible. But adult children who take space in a relationship often need time to process and recover. Consider the long game. If you’re interested in repairing this relationship, you might need to take this much more slowly than you’d like. Give your child space. At some point, it might be reasonable to ask if they’d be willing to share what might be necessary in order to move forward. What do they need from you? What might they want you to do differently? These can be difficult questions to pose, as we all, in many ways, want to be accepted exactly as we are. That’s not always the reality, though; most relationships are conditional to some degree. You can protest this, of course, or focus on how they’ve wronged you, but doing so can create further distance. Keep in mind that the pacing here can vary but should be informed by your relationship goals. And finally, be gentle with yourself. Recovering from a relationship rupture is difficult. Supporting yourself with kindness and compassion along the way is integral.
If you find yourself struggling with your circumstances, it can be helpful to seek out therapy with a provider who is familiar with both the adult-child and parent perspective of this painful dynamic. Knowing why grown children go no-contact with their family members and how to respond to this painful moment can offer you increased insight into navigating what comes next.