When we think of “toxic parenting,” our minds often go to more obvious offenses – various forms of abuse or neglect. And while these behaviors are undoubtedly toxic, harm can come from a variety of behaviors. Below are some specific actions that can cause emotional difficulties for our children. If you find any of these familiar, know that you’re not alone. Even the most well-meaning parents can engage in behaviors that cause harm. The good thing is that there are some fairly simple ways to course correct.
Inconsistency: Kids, like adults, do best with structure and consistency; we like knowing what to expect. If you have a certain boundary around an issue, try to be consistent around that boundary. Having moving targets around rules and responsibilities can be dysregulating. The more consistent we can be, the less chaotic the environment is and the more settled our children will be.
Judgmentalness: A common toxic parenting behavior is judging our children. No one likes to be judged, including our kids. Judgments might sound like evaluating our kids, their friends, or the world around us as “good” or “bad.” They might present as “shoulds” or similar expectations. Instead of judgments, explain what is helpful vs. harmful, effective or ineffective. For instance, instead of telling a child they should go to a classmate’s birthday party, help them weigh the pros and cons. Ask how it might be helpful to attend. This usually gets us further than judgments and unnecessary expectations.
Comparisons: While comparisons are an easy trap to fall into, comparing your child to a sibling or another child is a form of judgmental, toxic parenting that can have particularly harmful consequences. Each child is a unique individual with a unique trajectory. Focus instead on your child’s own path, their strengths and concerns, apart from any comparisons with others.
Modeling ineffective behavior: Our kids naturally model how we act. In fact, modeling is one of the most common pathways for learning. If our actions are aggressive, inconsiderate, or impatient, for instance, our kids will learn these behaviors from us. If we want them to be kind, empathic, generous, etc., we must act this way ourselves.
Emotional dysregulation: Granted, we all have our moments, but it’s critical that parents learn how to regulate their emotions when engaging with their kids. First, we’re modeling how to do this for them. And second, a dysregulated parent can’t regulate a dysregulated kid. So the intervention here is to learn how to soothe and temper your own emotions before interacting with your child. If you need a pause, that’s fine – get some space or fresh air or soothe yourself another way – before continuing to engage with your child.
Interfering with bodily autonomy: While parents are responsible for our kids’ safety and health, there are certain areas where it’s important to encourage bodily autonomy. For instance, parents who force their kids to hug others, eat when they’re not hungry, or otherwise engage in an action or physical activity can interfere with bodily autonomy. We don’t want our kids to grow up believing they can’t make their own choices about their bodies; this belief can have really harmful consequences. So be mindful about forcing them to be affectionate with others. Offer food, but don’t insist. Don’t make them jump off the diving board, for example, if they’re scared. If they’re hanging back at a social event, offer support versus direction and criticism. Let your kids know that you trust their experiences in their bodies.
Invalidation: Experiencing invalidation can be traumatic, and invalidation is one of the most common forms of toxic parenting. Chronic invalidation can lead to kids who are emotionally dysregulated. A big part of an emotion’s “job” is to communicate distress to others; if an emotion is met with invalidation, it doesn’t do its job effectively so therefore gets more and more intense, resulting in dysregulation. So it’s critical to focus on validating our kids. This looks like attending to, holding space for, and honoring their emotions and experiences. And it looks like letting them know that what they’re feeling makes sense. In fact, learning how to validate others effectively is one crucial change we can make to improve our relationships across the board.
If you’re a parent reading this and identifying some of these traits in yourself, that’s an important first step. While it’s important not to judge or criticize ourselves – many parents parent how they were parented, and as discussed earlier, judgments can be harmful – understanding these concerns lays the groundwork for becoming more effective. See if you can begin to practice some of these shifts in lower-stress situations, when the emotional “temperature” isn’t so high. To help, we recommend learning DBT skills for increased emotional regulation and interpersonal effectiveness. And remember to be gentle and compassionate with yourself. That’s how people learn best.