Shame can be one of the most uncomfortable emotions we experience. It can be triggered by a host of events or internal experiences, including rejection (or fear of rejection); being belittled, made fun of, criticized, or betrayed; comparing ourselves to others, or just thinking that we’re not good enough. When we experience shame, we might feel a sinking feeling in our abdomens or an overall sense of dread. We might want to hide or disappear.
While we don’t experience shame from birth, we are born with the capacity for this emotion, and we tend to see it manifest in the first few years of life. It’s helpful to understand that, like all of our emotions, shame evolved in us for good reason. It protects us from being ostracized by our social groups by helping us change or hide behaviors that might lead to rejection. It’s important to hide or change our behaviors when this is the case (or to find alternate communities where we’re more accepted for these characteristics or behaviors). The problems is that our shame meters are too sensitive at times, and we often feel this emotion when we haven’t done anything to threaten our social standing. If we have engaged in a problematic behavior, it makes sense to alter this behavior. But if we haven’t, then we’re called on to rely on other techniques to regulate this emotion.
Here are a few strategies from DBT that can help us cope with the emotional and physical sequelae of shame:
1. Mindfulness: When feeling ashamed, observe and describe what you’re experiencing. What do you notice? How does it feel in your body? Are there any action urges you’re experiencing, behaviors if feels like you want to do? Can you reflect on your experience in a non-judgmental way, observing what’s happening with neutrality? Can you approach yourself with compassion during this difficult moment?
2. Check the facts: This is an emotion regulation skill in which we check in with the beliefs or interpretations about an event that might be fueling our emotions. Often, it’s not an event itself but how we think about this event that results in our experience of shame. We might add ideas and interpretations that are ultimately responsible for our emotion or its intensity. Some of these might look like unrealistic standards, perfectionism, or mind-reading about how others are experiencing us. As mentioned above, shame “fits the facts” when we’re at risk of being rejected by others based on who we are or how we act. It does not fit the facts if our unrelenting standards are doing the rejecting for us or if we believe that we’ll be rejected but this possibility isn’t supported by available evidence. So checking our interpretations here and looking for cognitive distortions, such as catastrophic thinking and jumping to conclusions, is an important part of modulating our experience of shame.
3. Opposite action for shame: If our emotion doesn’t fit the facts or if acting on it won’t be helpful, it’s possible that opposite action might be an effective approach. Opposite action is a DBT skill that involves doing the opposite of what our emotions “want” us to do. Since shame is associated with the actions of hiding ourselves or our behavior, opposite action involves making our behavior public and continuing to engage in the behavior over and over until our shame subsides. You might recognize this as an exposure technique, a common behavioral intervention. Opposite action might also involve avoiding apologizing for what we do or who we are and presenting ourselves with confident facial expressions and body postures, such as steady eye contact and a solid, lifted torso. For many, shame is neutralized when we reveal vulnerable aspects of ourselves to others and they don’t judge or reject us for who we are. In the words of Brene Brown, “If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can’t survive.” This highlights the importance of cultivating relationships with and community filled with empathic, understanding others.
While shame is a natural, healthy emotion, it can be difficult to experience and is sometimes based less on the reality of a situation and more on our beliefs. Using our mindfulness skills, checking the facts, and engaging in opposite action are strategies that can help us cope with shame. When struggling, it’s important to have compassion for ourselves and to remember than everyone experiences shame at times. Bigger picture, seeking out supportive, validating others can help up reduce the incidence of this emotion.