If, like many of us, you were socialized to accommodate others, saying no can be an uncomfortable – even radical – act. But people-pleasing can lead to resentment and burnout and often interferes with us getting our own needs met. Like any other skill, learning how to say no is a practice we can develop and hone over time. The more we do it, the easier it is to do. With additional boundaries in place around our time, attention, and energy, we’re more able to prioritize our own wants and needs.
Here is a step-by-step guide for learning how to say no to others’ requests:
1. Take a pause: If you’re not sure how you want to respond to someone else’s request, take a beat. Tell them you’ll think about it and get back to them. This can give you time to check in with yourself and complete some of the additional steps.
2. Weigh the pros and cons: If you’re unclear how to proceed, think about the pros and cons of honoring the request versus the pros and cons of refusing it. How will you feel if you say yes or no?
3. Rehearse: In DBT, we teach the skill DEAR MAN to guide us when making requests or refusing requests from others. The DEAR MAN acronym stands for: Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, stay Mindful, Appear Confident, and Negotiate. You don’t have to use all of these elements each time, but it’s a helpful framework for any boundary you’d like to set. Write out a sample DEAR MAN script. Rehearse it out loud, on camera, or in your mind. Practicing your delivery can help when the time comes to say no.
4. Don’t over-apologize: Part of increasing self-confidence and self-respect means steering away from over-apologizing. So many people say “sorry” reflexively and unnecessarily. Others might perceive your apology as you wavering and double down on their requests. Be mindful of saying no and then over-apologizing for doing so. You are entitled to make decisions that honor you.
5. Strive for balance: Be firm and kind, honest but not mean. Practice speaking your truth without denying or negating others’ feelings. This is a careful balance that can be finessed over time.
6. Validate: Just because you’re saying no doesn’t mean you don’t care about the other person’s feelings. Particularly in close relationships, validating someone’s reactions to your boundaries might be an important part of this process. For instance, you might say, “I know it’s really hard to go alone to the event, but unfortunately, I’m not going to be able to go with you.” So we’re validating and sticking to our boundary.
7. Experiment with variations: Sometimes, saying no lands a little roughly. You might practice other ways of saying no that are a little softer, such as “I’m unable to help right now” or “I’m at capacity at the moment” or “Unfortunately, I don’t have the space for that right now.” Use language that feels right for you.
8. Be mindful of guilt: Be aware of how guilt may surface when saying no. Notice and name this emotion. Practice the DBT skill, opposite action for guilt. This entails checking in with your values to make sure you aren’t violating your own moral code by engaging in a behavior. If saying no in this instance doesn’t conflict with your values, stick to it. Avoid compensating for saying no by doing other things for the requester (e.g., “I can’t help you move, but I’ll pay for your movers”).
9. Observe others saying no effectively: As you’re practicing your own ability to say no, see if you can gather some data on how others are able to do this. What do they say or do that you might be able to integrate into your own practice? Observing others can offer useful information and guidance.
10. Be patient with yourself: As mentioned above, learning to say no effectively can take time. Especially if you’re typically a people-pleaser, saying no might feel foreign and clunky at first. Give yourself grace. Continue to practice the skill and notice any small shifts over time.
Saying no and setting boundaries is an important part of healthy, interpersonal functioning. Balancing our needs with others’ is a dialectic that can ebb and flow over time. We hope that this guide is helpful for learning how to say no to others more confidently and effectively. You are entitled to protect your time, energy, wants, and needs. Saying no can be an important part of honoring yourself.