In relationships, conflict is inevitable. How we handle conflict, though, can have a profound impact on the trajectory of our relationships. Dr. John Gottman, an esteemed psychologist and relationship expert, has studied couples around the world for decades. His research focuses on the factors that help and harm the health of our romantic relationships.
Through his work, Gottman has identified several destructive communication patterns that can erode a relationship over time. He refers to these patterns as “The Four Horsemen.” Let’s take a look at the Four Horsemen, both how they show up as problems and their antidotes toward interacting more effectively:
Criticism: This pattern involves attacking someone’s character rather than commenting on a specific behavior. Using lead-ins like “you always” or “you never” are clues that criticism is occurring. The result of criticism is that the person on the other end can feel personally attacked, rather than taking in specific, behavioral feedback.
Antidote: The antidote to criticism is what Gottman calls “the gentle start-up.” Instead of blaming or criticizing your partner, here you’ll use “I” statements, focusing on naming what you feel and need. There’s no blame, just a communication of your experience followed by a request.
Contempt: This pattern involves being disrespectful and mean. It goes beyond criticism to assume a position of superiority over a partner. Contemptuous people communicate resentment, disgust, and superiority and do so via mockery, name-calling, sarcasm, eye-rolling, and other harmful behaviors. Perhaps there are times when you start to feel resentful but don’t express your concerns. Then, they bubble over at some point, resulting in downright meanness. If you’re on the receiving side of contempt, you might feel hated or worthless. Not surprisingly, contempt in a marriage is the greatest predictor of divorce.
Antidote: Gottman writes that the antidote to contempt is “building a culture of appreciation and respect.” This involves intentionally expressing positive feelings toward a partner, such as appreciation, gratitude, affection, and respect. You can conceptualize doing so as depositing goodness in the relationship “bank” so that when conflicts occur, there’s actually something to withdraw. Gottman’s research has actually found that a relationship needs a balance of five positive interactions to every one negative interaction in order to succeed. When difficulties arise, again it’s important to state your feelings and requests without being disrespectful or acting morally superior.
Defensiveness: This pattern is a common response to criticism, when we are feeling attacked or misunderstood. When we feel cornered, we might start to make excuses, play the victim, or even reverse the blame to make the other person back off. As you can imagine, defensiveness often backfires, with the person on the other end feeling like their concerns aren’t being sufficiently addressed. What happens then is a problematic cycle of criticism and defensiveness. The more critical one partner is, the more defensive the other becomes. With increased defensiveness comes increased criticism.
Antidote: While many people become defensive when criticized, defensiveness never helps an interaction. The solution here is validating your partner’s concerns and taking responsibility for some part of the issue (even if not the full concern). So pump the brakes on defensiveness, really listening to your partner’s concerns and responding in an appropriate manner.
Stonewalling: This pattern is a common response to contempt. Here, one partner withdraws from the interaction, shutting down or withdrawing entirely. It’s often a response to feeling overwhelmed or emotionally flooded. Patterns of conflict can get to a point over time that stonewalling isn’t so much a choice but a reflex, an automatic freeze response that renders speaking or acting productively impossible.
Antidote: The solution here is to work toward recognizing early signs of stonewalling and to ask preemptively for a break in the interaction in order to self-regulate. During this time-out, distress tolerance skills (e.g., distraction, self-soothing) can be used to reduce your emotional temperature enough to come back to the interaction more effectively. Gottman recommends a break of at least 20 minutes to accomplish this goal.
At Gatewell, our therapists are trained in the Gottman method and offer couples counseling informed by this approach. Identifying how the Four Horsemen show up in your relationships is an important part of reducing their incidence and replacing them with more effective interactions. Stay tuned for an upcoming blog, where we explore how DBT skills and the Four Horsemen antidotes intersect.