Conflict is an inevitable part of human relationships. How we fight predicts how our relationships flourish – or decay – over time. In Drs. John and Julie Gottman’s 2024 book, Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict Into Connection the relationship experts weave decades of research and clinical practice into actionable steps we can take to engage in conflict with our partners (and others) more effectively.
The Gottmans have identified “The Four Horsemen” as aspects of conflict that predict a relationship’s success. These patterns – criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling – are each problematic and contribute to ineffective discourse. One of the potential consequences of The Four Horsemen is “flooding.” The Gottmans identify flooding as a state of physiological overwhelm that can occur in the face of conflict. When flooded, we’re activated, emotional, and typically in a state of fight, flight, or freeze. Flooding is characterized by physical symptoms, observable in the earliest parts of conflict in their lab. We might also refer to flooding as being in emotion mind, being dysregulated, or any other way of communicating that occurs when we’re so activated that rational engagement and problem solving are unavailable at the moment. In order to move through flooding, we must first recognize that we’re flooded (not always easy, as this often happens quickly) and then communicate this state and our needs to our partner.
The Gottmans recommend that we engage in a cooling-off period, taking a pause to regulate our minds and bodies before continuing to engage. This pause can be from 30-60 minutes up to 24 hours and allows us, through space and distraction, to reset. Partners commit to resuming their dialogue after an agreed-upon period of time.
Couples often hear the advice, “Don’t go to bed angry.” The Gottmans challenge this advice, if one or both parties are too flooded to engage productively. Sometimes a break – along with the reset of a night’s sleep – can be exactly what is needed to approach conflict more effectively.
What we do with this pause is important. If we’re stewing and rehashing or mentally rehearsing for Round 2, we’re not going to reduce our experience of flooding. We must actively disengage from the conflict through activities or other distractions. We might take a walk or watch a comedy or focus on breathing – anything that helps us return to a more stable baseline. Partners commit to resuming their dialogue after an established period of time.
To reduce the likelihood of a partner experiencing flooding, the Gottmans recommend what they call a “soft start-up.” Their research has revealed that whether or not a married couple divorces can be predicted within the first three minutes of an argument. Those who enter conflict gently are more likely to have their relationships last.
A soft start-up involves “I” versus “you” statements, descriptions of events, expression of feelings, and specific requests. Additionally, requests are accompanied by appreciation and gratitude. An example of a soft start-up might be: “I noticed you left the television on when you left the house. I’m worried about our electric bills. Would you mind checking for this when you leave? I’d appreciate it.” Some may notice that these recommendations correspond to DBT’s interpersonal effectiveness skill, DEAR MAN. Contrast this to conflicts that begin with blaming, name-calling, or the spewing of bottled-up resentments and complaints. Conflicts that don’t start softly are sometimes experienced as bomb drops. One might sound like, “Why are you always leaving the television on? Do you not care about wasting money?”
See the difference? One approach is specific, gentle, and appreciative. The other is blaming, assuming, and “kitchen-sinking” (using “always” or “never” as a way to convey built-up concerns). The Gottmans’ work shows that when in conflict, couples that have at least a 5-1 ratio of positive (e.g., warmth, affection, humor) to negative (e.g., judgments, silence) are more likely to have stable and happy relationships. The soft start-up skews couples toward more positive interactions.
An important part of effective relationship dynamics involves processing conflict after the fact. Once the dust has settled, the idea is to take a bird’s eye view of the conflict, reviewing what occurred. Here, the goal is to try to understand your partner’s perspective, to offer some context about your experiences and reactions, and to repair any harm you caused.
To engage in effective processing, share your experiences during the fight. What was your reality? Articulate what you felt. How does your history impact how you experienced this fight? What were you telling yourself about your partner’s thoughts, feelings, and behaviors? On the other hand, listen to your partner’s experiences. Both parties validate each other (even if you can only validate part of your partner’s assessment) and adopt the understanding that neither perspective is wrong. Finally, each person accepts responsibility for their part in the fight. Think of what factors may have played a role in how you interacted with your partner in a way that was difficult for them. Take ownership and repair any harm you caused.
The apology comes after understanding and validating your partner’s perspective. And it’s not a simple “I’m sorry” but more a commitment to doing better in the future. What do you regret about the conflict and what do you plan to do differently next time? If partners collaborate around what they each can do better the next time, next time might be avoided. Finally, a repair won’t help if the receiving partner is unwilling to engage. Be open to your partner’s repair efforts in order to move through conflict more effectively.
The key to effective processing is to do so once you’ve cooled off emotionally and can review what happened calmly and objectively. According to the Gottmans, where relationships can really struggle is when couples don’t engage in any processing after a conflict. They’re too quick to apologize. They might try to process and end up back in the same fight due to surging emotions. Or they might sweep an argument (and its ensuing emotions) under the rug and just return to business as usual. This typically results in couples having variations of the same arguments over and over again. Ongoing conflicts continue to gather strength until frustrations and resentments are overwhelming. Unprocessed content grows over time, eventually causing avoidance, interfering with our connections. Processing and repair helps ensure that things stay manageable. See here for more about the Gottman approach in this area.
According to the Gottmans, a large portion of couples’ conflict involves perpetual concerns. You want to live in the city. Your partner prefers the countryside. And these dreams don’t die easily. To address these types of perpetual issues, the Gottmans recommend having a “dreams” conversation with your partner in which each party shares their dreams for the future, hopes and wishes they’ve accumulated over time. The next part is critical. Each party shares where they might compromise, as sometimes dreams conflict and one or both parties must bend some in order to preserve the relationship. Compromise is ultimately about accepting influence from our partners. It involves curiosity, negotiation, accommodation, and gratitude for our partners. Instead of seeing them as the enemy, robbing us of our dreams, we focus on what we cherish about them, accept their flaws, and remain equally focused on them getting their dreams met as we do us getting ours.
Gatewell is pleased to offer Gottman-based couples counseling, putting these tried and true methods to work. In essence, the Gottmans’ approach highlights some important interpersonal effectiveness skills and maps well onto the interpersonal skills we teach in our DBT skills groups. Be gentle and kind with your partner. Don’t assume the worst. Give your partner the benefit of the doubt. Move away from winning versus losing an argument and instead focus on collaboration. Remember that you’re on the same team. Breathe. With this advice in mind, couples can engage in more effective discourse and conflict, allowing their relationship to grow and last.