One of the things that comes up consistently in therapy, regardless of demographics or diagnoses, is difficulties with self-compassion. Let’s take a look at this concept here, as well as how folks can cultivate this important way of being in their lives.
The word “compassion” is derived from the Latin com (with) passion (suffering). Self-compassion then means that we’re with ourselves when we’re suffering. What does it mean to be by your side when you’re struggling? To start, it means moving away from judgments and criticisms and attacks on ourselves, responding instead with empathy. And it means relating to ourselves with kindness and understanding. For many, compassion for others is something that comes naturally. But how we approach ourselves, especially when we’re struggling, is often significantly different from how we approach others. With a practice of compassion, we talk to and treat ourselves in the way that we respond to loved ones, with care, support, and nonjudgment.
Generally, self-compassion looks like giving yourself a break, remembering that you’re human, and understanding that emotions, difficulties, and mistakes are a part of life for all of us. According to Dr. Kristin Neff, whose research and writing focuses on this construct, self-compassion consists of three distinct parts:
1. Self-kindness vs. self-judgment: Self-compassion involves being supportive and understanding with ourselves during difficult moments. Whether we fail or don’t get what we want or are in distress, we approach ourselves gently and warmly in these moments.
2. Common humanity vs. isolation: Self-compassion entails recognizing that it is part of the human condition to struggle, suffer, and be imperfect. While some may face more challenges than others, the idea here is that all humans have difficulties, that no one is unique or special or spared when it comes to suffering.
3. Mindfulness vs. over-identification: In this third component of self-compassion, we are aware and mindful of our suffering, accepting our pain and challenges, versus suppressing them or trying to push them away. But we aren’t over-identified with our difficulties, attached to or becoming lost in our suffering. There’s a balance of mindfulness and acceptance of our struggles vs. not becoming our suffering.
So with these elements in mind, how self-compassionate are you? If you’re interested in knowing how self-compassionate you are, you can take Neff’s Self-Compassion Test here. Regardless of your score, it’s likely that we can all improve in this area; here are some ways to cultivate self-compassion in your life.
1. Develop a mindfulness practice. Mindfulness is an integral part of self-compassion, as discussed above. And it can also be helpful in observing times in which you’re struggling with compassion. Observing and naming judgments, criticisms, or attacks directed at yourself is a helpful start toward shifting these thoughts and feelings. Being mindful of your suffering, rather than either pushing it away or completely merging with it, is an important skill to work on here.
2. Shift negative self-talk. Noticing negative thoughts can help remind you that thoughts aren’t facts. Naming your inner critic creates some separation from this part of you. If you can’t imagine saying what you’re saying to yourself to a friend, it’s a sign to shift this self-talk. If thinking more positively is a struggle, the goal might be trying to approach neutrality. “I’ll never be able to get this right” shifts to,” This is hard for me right now. I’m doing the best I can.” When you struggle, it can be helpful to think of the kindest, most compassionate thing to say to yourself. And then say it.
3. Tend to yourself. How does a compassionate person respond to someone else’s distress? With kindness, care, and support. Cultivating self-compassion isn’t aspirational or simply a new way of thinking. It’s a new way of being that can start right now. Be intentionally kind, nurturing, and supportive of yourself. Neff refers to this as “tender self-compassion.” Wear comfortable clothing. Eat foods you like. Hold your hand against your cheek or your heart or your belly and remind yourself that you’re trying hard to get through this moment or experience or life. Try a loving-kindness meditation. Practice one of Neff’s self-compassion meditations. Do things each day that move you toward greater self-compassion.
4. Experiment with “fierce” self-compassion. Self-compassion can be both an acceptance-based and change-based practice. Neff’s concept of fierce self-compassion moves from tenderness to stronger action. She describes this concept as doing things outside of ourselves to alleviate suffering in ourselves and in the community. This might involve standing up for ourselves, setting boundaries to protect ourselves or our energy, and casting people-pleasing aside. Or we might propel ourselves into action to get what we want. Broader efforts might involve fighting injustice and advocating for others.
Things won’t change immediately, but they can change. A moment might arrive when you notice that you have more grace with ourself. When you allow yourself to mess up. When you remind yourself that you’re human. Self-compassion practices can help facilitate these experiences.
*Check out these links for more ideas about self-soothing and supportive touch.